You Had Me at Hello Page 18

  ‘And you smacked him?’ Caroline said to Ben in awe, her crush clearly going nuclear.

  ‘Congratulations,’ Ivor said. ‘I’ve been hoping someone would do that since I met them.’

  ‘Yeah, cheers, that was heroic,’ I said, thanking Ben for the first time. He didn’t seem to want to look at me, or anyone else for that matter, draining his pint in great gulps.

  ‘I didn’t know you were hard!’ Mindy said. ‘I might have to secretly fancy you from now on.’

  ‘I’m not hard, my knuckles are killing me,’ Ben said, putting his glass down and rubbing his hand. ‘I don’t know if I did it right.’

  ‘What a great fella you’ve got,’ cooed another girl in our group to Emily. It was then that I noticed the stunned expression she was wearing. It was as if she’d been punched. She must’ve been so worried he was about to get a pasting, I thought. Even though I hadn’t asked for my secondary sexual characteristics to be mauled, or for Ben to step in and defend them, I felt peculiarly guilty and anxious.

  A week later, word reached me that Ben and Emily had broken up.

  40

  Ivor is awake when Mindy and I drag ourselves out of bed, Caroline having disturbed him on her way to the gym. He’s sitting up on the sofa, bespectacled and bare-chested, drawing the coverlet around him when we emerge.

  ‘Are you hoping we’ll admire your buffness and forget the sickage?’ I say.

  ‘My t-shirt was somewhat soiled,’ Ivor says. ‘Christ, was I very bad?’

  ‘Was he very bad, Rach?’ Mindy turns to me, sarcastic, hand on hip. ‘Was he very bad?’

  I scratch my head, yawn. ‘How do I put this? Bonfire of the dignities, Johnson.’

  I make cups of sugary tea and when I deliver Mindy and Ivor’s, she’s climbed under the covers next to him.

  ‘I hear you were trying to show the twenty-three year olds how it’s done?’ I say, returning with mine, settling into an armchair.

  ‘White Russians,’ Ivor says, blowing on his tea. ‘They were more like Beige Russians with all the Kahlua. I feel like dungy hell. My tongue’s like a Ryvita.’

  ‘I take it Jake won?’

  ‘Oh no,’ Ivor says. ‘I won.’ He gestures at his half-dressed, bedraggled form. ‘This is what success smells like, ladies. The cologne of victory. Inhale deeply.’

  Mindy and I laugh.

  ‘Think I was drinking to forget,’ he says, putting his tea down and rubbing his eyes under his glasses, making them flip up and down like a music hall act. Ivor without glasses always looks wrong. ‘Major misdemeanour, the night before last.’

  ‘Did you snap when a Belgian teenager levelled their troll before you did on World Of Warcraft?’ I ask.

  ‘Nah …’ He rubs his head. ‘It was Katya.’

  Mindy’s head, resting in the crook of his arm, snaps up. ‘You haven’t let her extend her notice? Ivor, what is wrong with you?’

  ‘No, she’s still leaving.’

  ‘So?’ I say.

  ‘We got smashed on her homemade damson wine.’

  Ivor gives me a mischievous, bashful smile that I think I interpret correctly.

  ‘You didn’t make her eat meat, did you?’ Mindy says, into his armpit.

  Ivor starts laughing and then winces. ‘Don’t say funny things, it hurts.’

  ‘Why is that funny?’

  ‘It’s funny in the context of what we did do.’

  There’s a pause, then Mindy moves away from Ivor as if propelled by the blast of her own verbal explosion.

  ‘WHAT?!’

  Ivor’s startled by the force of the reaction and for a second, speechless.

  ‘You shagged her?’ Mindy demands, rounding on him.

  ‘Uh. A bit.’

  ‘This isn’t funny, Ivor! This is gross!’

  ‘We were drunk. It was a one-off. I’m not going to let her stay on or anything.’

  ‘This isn’t about that, this is about you doing that with her. When you hate her!’

  ‘She’s not that bad …’ Ivor mumbles.

  ‘You never stop complaining about her! And at the first opportunity, you get into bed with her? What does that say about you?’

  ‘Hardly the first opportunity. She’s always making fruit wine.’

  ‘When we said to show Katya you had some balls, we didn’t mean LITERALLY!’

  I take a gulp of tea before I laugh, as I can see Mindy is far from seeing any humour in the situation. Actually, Ivor isn’t laughing now either, face flushed in shame, or anger. Or both.

  ‘Oh right, so I have to take lessons on this from Miss Superficiality 2012, do I?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means are your vacuous fops superior to Katya? Should I have met her through the personal ads and overlooked her annoying qualities if she was photogenic enough?’

  Ivor’s got a point there. He glances over for my support, but no way am I getting in the middle of something that’s rapidly turning so unpleasant.

  ‘That’s what normal people do,’ Mindy shouts, bearing down like the fiery bitch of doom in her red pyjamas. ‘They date! They don’t take advantage of drunk people who have to pay them rent. What’re you going to do, let her have the last month free in return?’

  ‘Mindy—’ I say, nervously.

  ‘I took advantage of her?! Are you seriously implying that this was in some way rapey?’ Ivor shouts.

  ‘I’m saying it’s the sordidness thing I’ve heard in a long time.’

  Ivor stands up, clad only in his boxers, modesty forgotten.

  ‘There’s no such word as sordidness. You AIRHEAD.’

  ‘Go to hell!’ Mindy screeches, bursting into tears and running back to the bedroom.

  Ivor drops back onto the sofa, mouth open.

  ‘Jesus,’ he says, eventually, hand on head. ‘What the fuck was that?’

  ‘Low blood sugar?’

  ‘I’m not proud of what I did, but was it that bad? She’s behaving as if it’s exploitation. If she thinks I’d …’ Ivor makes an incredulity noise. ‘I don’t want to spend my time around anyone who thinks I’m capable of that. She can go to hell too.’

  ‘We need a fry-up, and to calm down. Mindy’s emotional, that’s all.’

  I’m glad Ivor doesn’t ask me why she’s emotional. I don’t quite know.

  ‘And what would she say if I was seeing twenty-three year olds? What is it about her shining example of a life that gives her the right to call me the turd?’

  ‘Let’s have another cup of tea—’

  ‘No, I’m going, Rachel,’ he says, fumbling for his t-shirt on the floor. ‘Sorry, it’s not your fault.’

  ‘OK.’

  I go to find Mindy – face down on the bed, head buried in a pillow.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, patting her hip. ‘Ivor’s going. I think we’re all grouchy after last night’s excess.’

  Mindy sits up, hair askew. ‘Tell Sex Pest Specs Pecs I said bye.’

  I push the door shut, fast. ‘Uh. Yeah. Might not. What’s the matter?’

  She sniffs, says nothing.

  ‘Are things not going well with Jake?’

  Mindy gives a small shrug.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  She shakes her head.

  ‘Do you want a massive full English?’

  She shakes her head again.

  ‘I’ll go see Ivor out then.’

  When I get to the door, Mindy says: ‘Rachel. I might have a part English. When he’s gone.’

  The front door bangs.

  ‘Oops,’ I say.

  ‘Was I too hard on him?’

  I put my head on one side and open my mouth to assemble a diplomatic answer that isn’t Well, you scared the shit out of me, and I was only a blameless bystander.

  ‘Do you know what, I don’t actually care!’ Mindy yelps. ‘What he’s done is—’

  ‘What people do,’ I interrupt. ‘Not that I’m saying it was a great decision.’
>
  ‘Yeah, people, as in letchy men with no standards. Whatever else, I never thought Ivor was the kind who’d jump on anything that passed. And Katya. She wears Crocs. With socks. Crocs with socks! I think I’ve seen her in Reebok pool slides like they’re proper shoes, too. How would you even get rigid enough to do the deed?’

  ‘Perhaps he’s lonely.’

  ‘Why would he be lonely? He’s got us.’

  ‘As great as I definitely think we are, I don’t think we fulfil all of his needs. He hasn’t gone out with anyone for a while. Since whatsername, who moved to Copenhagen.’

  ‘Hannah,’ Mindy sniffs, wipes her eyes. ‘Split ends, bad table manners. Uhm, hello, tapas “sharer” plates doesn’t mean you scarf all my boquerones. No loss.’

  I sit down on the bed next to her. ‘What’s this really about?’

  ‘It’s about what it’s about.’

  ‘OK.’

  A pause.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Jake’s nice, but. You go through ticking all the boxes and find your ideal match and it’s not ideal. You wouldn’t choose your friends that way. Look at me, you and Caro. Totally different. She went to see Simon and Garfunkels at Hyde Park.’

  ‘Garfunkel. Yes. See what you mean.’ Perhaps not the time to suggest Mindy could also widen the search to include men who are not what she terms ‘hard tens’.

  ‘Everyone’s always saying your thirties are when it all makes sense, you know, you read interviews with actresses and they’re like Oh I’d never want to go back to my twenties they were so turbulent, and now I’ve got this … tremendous sense of calm and I know what clothes suit me, classic pieces, blah blah and it’s bullshit. Your twenties are a starter of You Don’t Have To Have Worked It Out Yet. And your thirties are more the big stodgy main course of Maybe This Is How It’s Going To Be. I haven’t met anyone worth having a proper relationship with yet. And I’m thirty-one. What’s to say anything’s going to change by forty-one?’

  ‘Oh come on, you’re in your prime and you’ve got plenty of time to meet someone.’ Hypocrisy: I don’t recall this line working on me.

  ‘I’m serious, Rachel. What if it doesn’t happen for me? It’s as if everyone grew up and moved on and got more serious and I didn’t. That’s probably why I’m seeing twenty-three year olds. It’s where I’m stuck.’

  ‘Yeah. I know that feeling of knowing you aren’t happy and not knowing what to do about it.’

  ‘But at least you committed. You were with Rhys for thirteen years. You were engaged.’

  ‘Being with the wrong person is lonelier than being on your own. Or it’s as lonely, in a different way, trust me. I wasn’t dating, or looking, like you. I have to wonder if I wasted all the time I had to find the right person, waiting for me and Rhys to work.’

  ‘Honestly?’ Mindy says. ‘We didn’t know. You seemed OK.’

  ‘I’m crap at knowing how I feel, Mind. It’s like I don’t even let myself in on the secret.’

  Pause.

  ‘At least you do a job that you had to apply for. Ivor thinks I’m some thick businessman’s daughter, a spoilt Injun princess who got everything given to her. I’m not Rupa!’

  ‘He doesn’t think that.’

  ‘You heard him. “Airhead”.’

  ‘He was lashing back, he didn’t mean it.’

  ‘He did. People say what they really think in arguments.’

  ‘They say what they think will hurt the most.’

  A pause. ‘I need Ivor to be a good person, Rachel. If he’s a shit too, then I give up. I really do.’

  ‘He is good. He did something you don’t like, is all, and sounds like he doesn’t like it much either, in the cold light of day.’

  Mindy rests her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her. ‘And maybe, when you’ve both made up, if you wanted to be very petty, you could point out to Ivor that, while your phrasing was a little off, “sordidness” is a word.’

  Mindy pulls away, perks up.

  ‘It is? Ha. In your FACE, Johnson.’

  41

  In the falling dusk, my heels go clip clop clip clop on the pavement, and when I check the time and break into a canter, clipclopclipclopclipclop. I’ve discovered the great thing about living in the city centre is you can walk everywhere and the crap thing about living in the city centre is you have to walk everywhere.

  I feel nervous at this date with Simon but I can’t honestly say any nerves come from thinking I might be about to fall head over heels in love, or even head over shreddies into bed. He’s attractive, I can see that. My appreciation is very much of the objective, unfelt, other-ladies-must-like-him variety though. But Caroline’s right, I’m better off behaving like a single person and doing some dating straight away, rather than leaving this step another year. If I feel out of the loop now, well, that’s only going to get worse.

  Sometimes I think I need a bossy life sat-nav clipped to my belt. ‘At the first opportunity, make a U turn …’

  I reach the corner near the restaurant and slow down, instinctively smoothing the back of my dress to make sure it isn’t caught in my knickers. After hobbling here with the bandy gait of a Monty Python man in fishwife drag, I try for a more fluid swingy motion, one foot directly in front of another.

  I read somewhere that the footprints of a debutante in sand are one long line, not side by side. I ignore the shooting pain in my left heel that tells me Manchester pavements aren’t the beach and I’m no book-balancing beauty. I try to paint a beatific sailed-here-on-a-scented-breeze expression on to my features.

  After saying I was free and easy where we dined, I had a late-dawning realisation that I didn’t want to go anywhere frighteningly exorbitant with Simon and ratchet up expectation. I suggested an Italian place near the Printworks that’s really an enhanced Pizza Express and expected him to argue to prove he was discerning, but he agreed straight away. Must be in the English gent code that you don’t quibble with a lady’s choice. Or he liked the realistic pricing.

  I see Simon’s stood outside, it obviously also being in the English gent code that you don’t enter the venue without the lady. He could’ve heard me coming: I was clattering down the street like a dog that needs its toenails clipping.

  He greets me with: ‘Good evening. You look fantastic. Shall we?’

  I don’t look anywhere near as crisply-pressed and collected and plausibly first date-ish as him – white shirt, and what could, distressingly, be chinos – but I appreciate the sentiment, and agree we shall.

  We’re shown to the sofa in the waiting area, by a gigantic potted palm. The restaurant is a symphony of the tinkle of glassware and cutlery on china and chatter. Black-clad waiting staff flit about in the choreography of attentive service. This is where the rest of society has been spending its Saturday nights, not propped up in bed with a 3-for-2 deal paperback by ten p.m., while their partner heckles Match of the Day.

  Simon’s handed the wine list and, as he’s flipping authoritatively through the faux-parchment pages, says: ‘How well do you know Ben, then?’

  Not Simon too.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Are you exes, or what?’

  ‘No. Old friends. Why?’

  ‘That’s what he said. Yet I got a tetchy lecture about looking after you, blah blah … as if I was the big bad wolf trying to get into your basket.’

  I’m touched by this, and surprised. I try not to show it.

  ‘He’s got a little sister. It’s a common syndrome – big brothers are always protective of female friends by extension.’

  ‘Right. So you’ve never climbed aboard?’

  ‘What?’

  He’s asking the thing no one else would ever ask as his first question? If I was in a childhood comic book, cartoon Rachel would have a mouth like a cat’s bum and the thought bubble caption ‘GUMPF’.

  ‘You’ve never hopped on our Benji?’

  My shock gives way to laughter at the audacity of the inquiry. I should say: ‘
Look at me, look at Ben. Look at Olivia. Look likely?’

  The waiter announces our table is ready.

  Simon stands up and does up a button on his jacket, as if we’re being led to the podium at an awards ceremony, wine list clamped under his arm like a clipboard. ‘After you.’

  When we’ve been handed the menus, I lean across the table and hiss: ‘No, I haven’t. I can’t believe you’re asking that. He’s your friend. Haven’t you asked him?’

  ‘Always question people separately.’

  ‘Ah, of course. Perhaps you’d rather do this in the custody suite of Bootle Street nick?’

  ‘It’s not got mood lighting,’ Simon smiles. ‘I like to know what’s what.’

  ‘So I see.’

  ‘Actually …’ Simon now looks uncomfortable, which is novel ‘… the last woman I fell for was married. It’s made me cautious of complications, shall we say.’

  ‘What happened?’

  He acts as if he hasn’t heard me, picking imaginary lint off his sleeve.

  ‘I didn’t mean to get on to this before we’d ordered the wine.’

  ‘Let’s go with it. I don’t know all the modern dating guidelines anyway.’

  ‘I was keen. She turned out to be married. Husband found out. She stayed with him. Anecdote ends.’

  ‘I can promise you I’m not married.’

  ‘This much I know. No other huge terrible secret weighing on you that you’d like to declare?’

  ‘Only that I know nothing about wine.’

  ‘Allow me,’ Simon says, back in his element. ‘What main course are you having? Meat or fish? You’re not a troublemaker, are you?’

  ‘Troublemaker?’

  ‘Vegetarian, pescatarian, humanitarian. Any other euphemisms for pleasure-intolerant.’

  ‘I won’t eat anything with a face,’ I say, pretend-pious.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. Everything I’m going to order has had its face sliced off.’

  I’d worried that the adversarial nature of conversation with Simon could be difficult once I was his date. I needn’t have. He keeps things bouncing along with a stream of polite questions. He tells me about colourful clients, I tell him about colourful court cases. We trade tales about barristers and judges we’re mutually acquainted with. He moans about intrusive, slapdash reporters, I complain about standoffish, unnecessarily secretive solicitors to even things up.