It's Not Me, It's You Read online

  But what was so frightening was the intimate tone of the message. A voice coming through it that wasn’t Paul’s, or Paul as she knew him.

  She spoke sternly to herself. Delia. Stop being wilfully stupid. Add the sum up to its total. This is clearly meant for another woman. The Other Woman.

  ‘I don’t want you to hear it from anyone else.’ Some faceless, nameless stranger had this size of a stake in their lives? Delia felt as if she was going to throw up.

  Paul put the drinks down on the table and dragged the chair out opposite her.

  ‘I like the ale in here but they need to step the service up. They’ve no rush in them.’ Paul paused, as Delia stared dully at him. ‘You OK?’

  She wanted to say something smart, pithy, wounding. Something that would slice the air in two, the same way Paul’s text had just karate-chopped her life into Before and After.

  Instead she said, glancing back down at her phone, ‘Who’s C?’

  Paul looked at the mobile, then back at Delia’s expression again. He went both red and white at the same time, the colour of a man Delia had once sat next to on a National Express coach who’d had a coronary in the Peaks.

  She’d been the only passenger who knew First Aid, so she ended up kneeling in mud at the roadside doing CPR, trying not to retch at tasting his Tennant’s Extra.

  She would not be giving Paul mouth-to-mouth.

  ‘Delia,’ he said, with an agonised expression. It was a sentence that started and stopped. Her name and his voice didn’t sound the same. From now on, everything was going to be different.

  Art didn’t prepare you for the smaller moments between the big moments, Delia thought. Life had no editing suite to shape the narrative into something that flowed.

  If the arrival of Paul’s text had happened onscreen, after the close-up of Delia’s horrified face there’d have been a jump cut to her bowling away down the street, stumbling on her heels (rom com), slinging plates around their kitchen (soap opera), angrily filling a battered clasp-lock suitcase (music video), or staring out across the blustery Tyne (art house).

  Instead, what happened next undercut the momentous awfulness with boring practicality.

  It was established in words of few syllables that Paul had sent the message to the person it was about, rather than the person it was for. A fairly common cock-up that usually had less dramatic impact. There was a surreal moment when a wild-eyed Paul rambled about only sending it to Delia the second time when he thought it hadn’t sent, or something. As if that could make it better and it could somehow be un-seen.

  It begged a lot of other questions and answers, ones they could no longer exchange in a busy pub.

  Delia managed to quell her urge to vomit. Then she had to get home.

  While she considered leaving Paul on his own, looking at two full glasses and a swinging pub door, he’d only follow her. If she succeeded in storming solo into a taxi, all she’d do at home was wait to confront him anyway. It seemed a self-defeating gesture of defiance that would achieve nothing more than a double cab fare.

  So she had to endure a silent, agonising journey in a Hackney, pressed against the opposite side of the seat from Paul, staring through the smudged window, occasionally catching the curious face of the driver in his rearview mirror.

  When she put her key in the door, there was the familiar bump, scrape and snuffle of their dog Parsnip on the other side. Paul, obviously glad of the distraction, shushed and petted him, making Delia want to scream: Don’t be nice to the dog, you huge bastard faker of niceness.

  Parsnip was a tatty old incontinent Labrador-Spaniel cross they’d got from a rescue centre, seven years ago.

  ‘We can’t place this one, he pisses,’ the man had told them, as they stroked the sad, googly eyed, snaggle-toothed Parsnip. ‘Could that be because you tell people he pisses?’ Paul said. ‘We have to,’ the man replied. ‘Otherwise you’ll just bring him back. His name should be Boomerang, not Parsnip.’

  ‘No bladder control and named after a root vegetable. Poor sod,’ Paul said, and sighed, looking at Delia. ‘I think he’s coming home with us, isn’t he?’

  And right there was why Delia fell in love with Paul. Funny, kind, Paul, who understood the underdog – and was sleeping with someone else.

  Delia pulled her clanking work bag from her shoulder and dropped onto the leather sofa, the oxblood Chesterfield she’d once spent all day pecking at an eBay auction to win. She didn’t have the will to take her coat off. Paul threw his on the arm of the sofa.

  He asked her in hushed tones if she wanted a drink, and again she felt like she hadn’t been given a copy of the script.

  Should she start screaming now? Later? Was the drink offer outrageous, should she tell him he couldn’t have one? She simply shook her head, and heard the opening of cupboards, the plink of the glass on the worktop, the clink of the bottle. The glug of … whisky? She could tell Paul took a hard swig before he re-entered the room.

  He sat down heavily on the frayed yellow velvet sofa, at a right angle to where she was sitting.

  ‘Say something, Dee.’ He sounded gratifyingly shaky.

  ‘What am I supposed to say? And don’t call me Dee.’

  Silence. Apart from the clatter of Parsnip’s unclipped toenails on tiles, as he skittered back from the kitchen and settled into his basket in the hallway.

  She was expected to open this conversation?

  ‘How did it start?’

  Paul stared at the fireplace. ‘She came into the bar one night.’

  The same way I did, Delia thought.

  ‘When?’

  ‘About three months ago.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘We got chatting.’

  There was a pause. Paul had a cardiac arrest pallor again. It looked as if giving this account was as bad as the original discovery. Good.

  ‘You got chatting, and next thing you know, your penis is inside her?’

  ‘I never meant for this to happen, Dee … Delia. It’s like some nightmare alternate reality. I can’t believe it myself.’

  ‘How did you end up shagging her?!’ Delia screamed and Paul almost started with fright. Offstage, Parsnip gave a small squeak. Paul put his glass down with a bump, and his palms together in his lap.

  ‘She kept coming in. We flirted. Then there was a Friday lock-in, with her friends. She came and found me when I was bottling up. I knew she liked me but … it was a total shock.’

  ‘You had sex with her in the store cupboard?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘You did, didn’t you?’

  ‘No, I absolutely didn’t,’ Paul said, without quite enough conviction, shaking his head. Delia knew the answer he wouldn’t give: not full sex. But more than a kiss. What Ann called mucky fumbles.

  ‘What’s her name?’

  ‘Celine.’

  A sexy name. A cool name. Celine created visions of some bobbed, Gitane-smoking Left Bank beauty in black cigarette pants.

  Oh God, this hurt. A fresh wound every time, as if she was being whipped by someone who knew exactly how long to leave the sting to burn before lashing again.

  ‘She’s French?’

  ‘No …’ He met her eyes. ‘Her mum likes Celine Dion.’

  If Paul thought he could risk cute ‘you’d like her, you’d be friends’ touches, with information that had come from pillow talk, Delia feared she’d get violent towards him.

  ‘How old is she?’

  Paul dropped his eyes again. ‘She’s twenty-four.’

  ‘Twenty-four?! That’s pathetic.’ Delia had never disliked her own age, but now she boiled with insecurity at the twenty-fourness of being twenty-four, compared to her woolly old thirty-three. She’d never worried that men liked younger women, and yet here they were, living the cliché.

  Twenty-four. One year older than Delia had been when she met Paul. He’d traded her in. Ten-year anniversary – time to find someone ten years younger.

  ‘How many times have you h
ad sex?’

  Delia had never wondered if she was the kind of person who’d want to know nothing, or everything, when in this situation. Turned out, it was everything.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘So many you’ve lost track?’

  ‘I didn’t keep count.’

  ‘Same thing.’

  A pause. So much sex Paul couldn’t quantify it. She could probably tell him how many times they’d slept together this year, if she thought about it.

  ‘Where did you have sex with her?’

  ‘Her house. Jesmond. She’s a mature student.’

  Delia could picture it; she’d lived there as a student too. Lightbulb twisted with one of those metallic Habitat garlands that looked like a cloud of silvered butterflies. Crimson chilli fairy lights draped like a necklace across the headboard. Ikea duvet. Bare bodies underneath it, giggling. Groaning. She felt sick again.

  ‘How did you hide it? I mean, where did I think you were?’

  To have had no idea was genuinely startling. She’d always been so proud of the trust between her and Paul. ‘All that opportunity, aren’t you ever worried?’ some women used to say. And she’d laugh. Not in the slightest. Cheating wasn’t something they did.

  ‘I’ve been leaving work earlier some nights. Delia, please, can we …’ Paul put his face in his hands. Hands that had been in places she’d never imagined.

  She looked down at her special anniversary dress with the dragonflies. She and Paul shared a home, a wavelength, a pet, a past. They were always honest, or so she thought. Any passing fancies on either side were running jokes between them, and could be admitted in the safety of knowing there was no real risk. There was leeway, trust, a long leash. Paul and Delia. Delia and Paul. People aspired to have what they had.

  ‘What’s she like in bed?’ Delia said.

  ‘Can we not …?’

  ‘Can we not be having this awkward conversation about all the times you’ve had sex with someone else? That relied on you, not me, didn’t it?’

  She felt as if Paul had let an intruder into their lives, a third person into their bed. It was a total, bewildering, senseless betrayal from the one person she was supposed to be able to count on. Why? She didn’t want to question herself – it was Paul who should face interrogation – but she couldn’t help it.

  Would it have been different if I’d been different? Made you feel less secure? Lost a stone? Gone out more? Gone on top more often?

  ‘When it started, it was like an out-of-body experience,’ Paul said, and Delia opened her mouth to say something about it surely being a very in-body experience, and so Paul rattled on fast. ‘It was disbelief at what I was doing, that I even could do it. I wasn’t looking for it, I swear. You and I, we’re so solid …’

  ‘We were,’ Delia corrected him, and Paul looked anguished.

  ‘And – I don’t know what happened. It was as if all of a sudden I’d crossed a line and there was no going back. I hated myself but I couldn’t stop.’

  Yeah, they’d come back to that, the stopping, Delia thought.

  ‘What’s she like in bed?’ Delia persisted.

  Paul squirmed.

  ‘I’ve never compared.’

  ‘Start now.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Was she like me?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘So, different?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Better?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Would you tell me if she was?’

  ‘… I don’t know. But she isn’t.’

  ‘Is this something you’ve wanted for a while?’

  ‘No! God, no. It just happened.’

  ‘It doesn’t happen. You make a decision to do something like that for a reason. I mean, other women must’ve come on to you and you’ve said no? You told me you did.’

  ‘I did. I don’t know why this happened.’

  ‘She was too attractive to pass up?’

  Paul shook his head.

  ‘I didn’t see it coming I guess, and then somehow, when I was drunk, it was on.’

  ‘What were you going to say to her tomorrow?’

  For once Paul looked nonplussed.

  Delia quoted: ‘“She’s proposed and I don’t know what to do. Meet tomorrow?”’

  Paul looked at the floor.

  Right on cue, there was a tiny treacherous little mechanical hiccup from the direction of Paul’s discarded coat. They both knew what it was: Celine’s reply.

  ‘Read it,’ Delia said, and Paul shook his head.

  Delia felt a determined venom pulse through her veins. ‘Read it out,’ she said, steadily.

  Paul pulled the phone from his coat pocket. She waited in case a look crossed his face that told her it wasn’t Celine, but she could see from his unchanging scowl of dread that it was.

  ‘I’m not reading this.’

  ‘If you ever want any trust between us again, read that text aloud.’

  Paul grimly swiped the text open, jaw clenched. When he spoke, he sounded strangled. Delia knew she’d never forget the strangeness of hearing her fiancé’s lover’s voice coming through his. She could see him desperately trying to edit it and not quite having the time to do it and still make it sound natural.

  ‘If I think you’re leaving bits out, I’ll ask to see it,’ she said, hearing herself as if she was a stranger. The woman scorned wasn’t a role she ever thought she’d have to play.

  ‘Oh my God, you’re getting married to her? What does this mean for us? Can you …’ Paul looked over, beseeching in his shame, obviously hoping against hope that Delia would burst into tears and let him off the rest of it. She shook her head and willed herself to wait. He continued in a funereal whisper: ‘Can you get away tonight at all to call me? Speak tomorrow. Love you. C.’

  Love.

  ‘How many kisses?’

  ‘Three.’

  With a gasp, Delia felt the tears start, warm water that gushed down her cheeks and partially blurred Paul from view. Her nose started running too; it was a full face explosion of liquid. Paul made to get up and comfort her and she shouted at him to get away from her. Delia wouldn’t allow him to hug her, to make himself feel better. As if right now, he was the person who could make her feel better.

  Delia rubbed at her eyes and when she could focus, she saw Paul was crying too, albeit in less of a fountain-like way. He wiped at his face.

  ‘I’ll end it. It’s over. It was the most massive, insane mistake …’

  ‘What were you going to say to her tomorrow?’ Delia said, in a half-sob.

  Paul shook his head, looking sorrowful that he kept being asked all these tricky questions.

  ‘Tell me the truth, or there’s no point. If you keep lying, there really is no point any more.’

  ‘I was going to say we were getting married and it was time to finish.’

  ‘No you weren’t. You said you didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘I didn’t want to break it off in a text. I was building up to it.’

  Delia cleared her throat several times, and mopped herself up as best she could with her bare hands.

  ‘I don’t believe you. I think you hadn’t decided what you were going to say to her. You don’t want to get married.’

  Paul muttered, ‘It was a surprise, I admit.’

  ‘I can imagine you weren’t in the mindset when you were busy throwing your nob up someone else.’

  Paul looked at Delia with bloodshot eyes.

  ‘How would you feel if I’d done this?’

  ‘Devastated,’ Paul said, without hesitation. ‘Gutted beyond belief. I can’t tell you this isn’t shockingly unfair and awful shitty behaviour, because it is. I hate myself for it.’

  Yet – was Delia imagining that he sounded as if he was recovering, ever so slightly? Some of the Paul self-assurance had already crept back in. The worst had happened for Paul – Delia had found out. So now he was already repairing, while Delia was still sc
attered in a hundred pieces.

  Parsnip waddled into the room. For the first time since they’d brought him home, Delia resented their dog; she’d cleaned up a lot of piss. Petting him was a way of easing Paul’s discomfort, breaking the tension.

  ‘I know it’s going to take a huge effort to get past this, but please tell me we can,’ Paul said.

  Paul wasn’t leaving her for Celine? She hadn’t framed the question quite so bluntly until now, but it was the big question, she supposed. However, it dawned on her what he was actually asking. If I end it with Celine, promise me you’ll still be here? He didn’t want to be left with neither of them.

  She wasn’t ready, not by miles, to decide how she felt. Especially as she didn’t believe that he’d planned to end it with Celine. That text spoke of uncertainty, tell me what to do, the same way he was asking her now.

  Delia saw the light glinting on the unused flute glasses in her open bag. They’d never even used them.

  Ten years together, laden with guilt, and he hadn’t indulged her enough to drink the champagne. I mean, maybe the guilt was why he hadn’t wanted a spotlight on the whole engagement thing, but that hardly made matters better.

  ‘I don’t know if we can,’ Delia said, standing up, stiff underskirt rustling. She felt like a painted panto dame. ‘I’m going to stay in the spare room tonight.’

  ‘You don’t have to, I’ll stay in it.’

  ‘I don’t want to be in our bed. Tomorrow I’m going home to my parents. You can meet Celine and tell her whatever you like.’

  ‘We can’t leave it like this,’ Paul said.

  Paul honestly expected some sort of pledge from her? Delia feared this said something about Paul, and something about her too.

  ‘I don’t know who I’m with any more, so how can I know if I want to be with him?’

  ‘I’m still the same, I’ve just done something that makes me a huge arsehole.’

  ‘No, you’re not the same. You’re a traitor, who I don’t trust.’

  Delia left Paul with Parsnip, thundered up the stairs, pulled her dress off and went to bed in full make-up and her new underwear. She didn’t cry again. She was numb, only partly functioning: as if a chamber of her heart was no longer pumping blood round her body. Joy Division’s ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ looped in her head.